The Frayed Angels.

The frayed angels shed their wings and descend into earth’s turmoil
Burying their sunlight in a cloth of sleek and willing flesh
that... incomplete forever
wanders the thirsty deserts of unrequited desire

In dreams sometimes we touch that place of peace where longing ends
Where the long road of countless sleeps beckons into the cross roads of awakening

The punishment of separation ends the slaughter of innocence
the ravaged hearts and faces of those who lost their love
there is nothing in this life so sweet
as the touch ... the embrace of one who has come across all the vastness of lifetimes
To lie tranquil in your arms
It is as close to paradise as we are permitted to come here...

The casual couplings
The lust of power to possess  are only shadows of this love
Ceremonies of torment and loss
For the more one desires
The greater the effort to have and discard
The greater the distance from ones own heart
Every living thing struggles to hold to that one memory of themselves
...in which the candle of love burned
however briefly... ..so brightly

All doubt and hate are merely faith and love suppressed
And the inability to love
Worse than any death

Death being only the boat that sails us through and into the fields of eternal peace
not even the worst of us can avoid this forever
it for this mercy alone that forever exists

There is nothing that you can do for which he will not forgive you

I wish only that I might linger all of my days in love
Forging that bond that spans all time and change
and washes away for all time
The weakness and stupidities of my fear

Fear,
which is all that has ever stood between me and the ones I loved

Fear
that has made a lie so many times Of the living truth
I AM Like all of you
An embodiment of god

All possibilities at birth were delivered into our hands
yet we give ourselves into subjugation to our servants for ridicule and confinement

Cast out from the castles  from where we as kings and queens ruled all things
...from within the temple of the heart
Cast out into the trackless wastes of our own confusions,
.. amnesia driven hungry and alone
While those created to serve us spill our wine,
eat our food
and laugh at the ignorance  that has closed our eyes to the beauty of ourselves

Never again will I let myself be tormented by fear
the love killer ....the life killer

Death of a sort comes to us all
No matter who we are we cannot escape that
We can only accept and wonder
To whom did it happen?

Let go all chains that hold the image down
Earth does not speak unless the spirit flames these times in which we live
Dance like some drunken jester on the edge of the abyss
Great things are within our reach even as we wait,
we can see...  the first glimmer of that dawn
..for which so long we have waited to see.

It has nearly broken me...
But nothing is beyond repair

Truly let this moment be your last moment of regret
Let your heart see that you have not touched the best times yet
Take back your wings no longer frayed and fallen
let us rise and soar as if no one had ever gone before.

The Frayed Angels.Visible Stream of Consciousness

a sad indictment of our societies as a collective.

"Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts."
Albert Einstein

I continually find the inequality in the world a sad indictment of our societies as a collective.  The societies that consider themselves to be first world countries.  It is so obvious that the greed to hang on to the large amounts of wealth is what is making me feel sick.   I struggle to keep what I have because in this world of people who are like me, I am considered inhumane and not worth it. 

These opinions of others that are unwarranted because I still don't know what I did wrong is reinforcing Edith's brainwashing.  She continually belted me daily while yelling at me, "I should have been drowned at birth".  I had awful nightmares  that I would be drowned and I would not be able to survive it.

Why is the world such a cruel place?   I just want to forget about these things.   Yet as it turns out, the more acceptable,  those who are the so called "movers and shakers", are the ones causing most of the damage.  These people make me out to be less than a human.   This damage is killing me more each time. 
ORLANDO, FL - JULY 12: Caylee Anthony memorial where the 2-year-old child remains were found on July 12, 2011 in Orlando, Florida. Casey Anthony was found not guilty of first-degree murder, aggravated manslaughter and aggravated child abuse. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)Slowly it is numbing me to the incidence that I have lost everything.  My children were all I ever wanted and I did not ever want this what I have.   I never dreamed for one moment that my life would be like this because I am so disabled emotionally.  I didnt even do this to myself and those that do it to them selves for fun are given the chances and the help and the extra goes.  This is what is playing on my mind.   It is because my mind is doing not much and left to continually think about the situation that I am in.  I really try to be brave and I do have friends but no one can do anything either.
I am so sick of being the burden, that people feel the need to bow their heads and walk past me quickly in hope that they do not have to speak to me at all!

Why is someone who needs so much help continually tortured and hurt so desperately in front of you all.   How does this happen.  Why do you all care when people have died.  They died because they felt like no one is listening and no one is listening and no one is helping and I can't do this much longer.  Today I am struggling with the inner pain again.  My psychologist says that I need to hate my mother and father for doing what they did.  I just don't know how to hate them,  I have no relationship with them to relate to.  That box is very empty and there is nothing in it.  Nothing to draw a feeling from.  The feeling is empty.

Image by Mezza -Firestation in Urunga on a job.

Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul - and sings the tunes without the words - and never stops at all.

Emily Dickinson

Yes Major!

“Through humour, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”  Bill Cosby

Hope and Humour..  Time and Patience ... This lot ought to hang out together because they make great mates.  They compliment each other beautifully.  These are the things I ask the universe for in the vibration of light that is flickering all around me everywhere I walk this earth.

This little fellow was very happy to come down in the tree close to me and have a good chat about not much.  We made funny sounds together and he was happy.  I was happy too, I felt like he came down to purposefully say hello.   When the animals and birds do this it is a very defining moment when you realize we really are all connected.  I must not lose hope and continue to forgive somewhere in there.

Image by Mezza - Major Mitchell Cockatoo

“I can be changed by what happens to me. but i refuse to be reduced by it.”

Maya Angelou

Raindrop on the cactus with Bricee's reflection.

But how it changes me is the part that is up to me.  I can let it drive me to do the things that any child would be proud of their mother doing.

I go out before dawn and photograph, I edit and I write and I cook and clean and I study.  I  love deeply and have a huge passion for music.  Because of this I have a radio show where I am a radio programmer and its a drive time show called Melonpop Drive.

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mel%C3%B8nP%C3%B8P-Drive-2bbb-with-djs-MezzA-n-M%C3%B8nSta%D0%AF-Est2009/168764609851231

I have a wonderful garden and many successes with lots of experimentation with plant cuttings.  We have two pets and we are absolutely responsible pet owners.  I dance.  I create and I still make the  best cakes going.   I also make many other things really well as well.  I am now very independent.  I enjoy my day's.

I also miss my children every day.  Whether or not they speak to me makes no difference from the beginning when Matilda went away in 2005.  That is such a long time ago for a daughter to not talk to her mother.  What did I do?  Why does she see me this way?  These are the questions that I ask the universe to provide the answers to.  The universe knows.

Jesse isn't talking to me for a different reason and there is no connection with the two situations.  For me however there is a mighty connection.  I cannot talk to my children and this always pains my heart greatly.  Montana said she cannot understand it and she is so hurt also for us all.

Universe please shed light into the darkness because where there is light then darkness flees immediately.  I want light shed onto all of these situations and I want vindication from all of these major misunderstandings that have occurred some because of other people  that is well evident.   Mary Peters

Image by Mezza - A droplet of water with Brice's image in the water.

“Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.” Buddha

An afternoon in the front yard ..

Brice

Brice is a man who is beautiful to watch work.  Very methodical and thorough in everything that he does and this is an absolute pleasure to  be around this kind of phenomenal energy.

Image by Mezza -Brice Brennan at Urunga 2012 April

What a glorious morning for a Friday

"One's ideas must be as broad as Nature if they are to interpret Nature," he answered. 

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle from A Study in Scarlet

Color boosted hill image... sometimes it looks like this really

What a glorious morning today has been so far.  I didn't sun-gaze  at the beach today.  I have had too many insect bites recently and so I decided to stay close to home and gaze into the sun.  I need to settle my mind as I do this.  It is funny because you would think this easy.  Well it isn't easy.  It is hard to still your mind for even just five seconds.  I need to close my eyes and see myself that is all I have to do.  Holding that image of myself is the part that isn't easy for me.  I keep trying though because in my heart I am already doing this so it works whether I do it properly or not because I have seen myself do this in my minds eye.  

Just staying up on the hill in the morning is different from tangling with the insects further down below.  Sometimes I like the view from here.  I can see the sun sooner.  I can see the sun clearer as well.  Tomorrow I will really be calm and settle and go with an expectant heart always that what you see in your minds eye will manifest into reality. 

http://www.litquotes.com/quote_author_resp.php?AName=Sir%20Arthur%20Conan%20Doyle&page=12

Image by Mezza - On the Hill boost juice style

It justs takes a second to build up another, one word, one sentence.

 Take the time to care about those you say you care about.

 YE have heard that it hath been said, 

Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy. 

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, 

bless them that curse you,

 do good to them that hate you, 

and pray for them which spitefully use you and persecute you; 

that ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: 

for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, 

and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.   Matthew verse 43

http://justus.anglican.org/resources/bcp/1789/Prayer&Thanksgiving_1789.htm

Well Just sayin: This is the way to be able to make someone else feel better when they are struggling.  Don't make it up, look closer as the signs for this will be evident.  Everyone in humanity does have special gifts.  Look for these in your friends and tell them what it is you see are their strenghths.  It is a form of love to acknowledge and to love is the only acknowledgment there is in the end.

The more love and care you send out toward a person or issue, the more you come into alignment with your spirit, and the more your intuition comes on-line.

A place of great beauty at dawn..   a beautiful place to meditate in front of nature for your highest good.

Heart intuition or intelligence brings the freedom and power to accomplish what the mind, even with all the disciplines or affirmations in the world, cannot do if it's out-of-sync with the heart.    Doc Childre and Howard Martin, HeartMath Solution

Dr. Joyce Brothers
Trust your hunches. They're usually based on facts filed away just below the conscious level.

Albert Einstein
The only real valuable thing is intuition.

 http://www.heartquotes.net/Intuition.html

What more can I say after all of that other than to remember your gut instinct is always right.  You higher conscience knows things you don't know and operates on an entirely different wavelength to what we do in our daily lives just existing here on earth.  Line your heart up with yourself and you are at the gate of  personal illumination of both yourself and why you are even here. 

At the seat of this is Love.  Love is the absolute free will of God.  It is the creative energy that flows through us in the form of electromagnetic energy produced by the many hidden places deep inside our amazing human form.  Inside is our true spirit that is our connection with God.  Inside there we are given the love of God to create.  He loves us  and responds to us when we acknowledge this powerful connection to the source.

The Universe is was and always will be but will be ever changing.  I am talking about the energy that thought this into existence in the first place.  Say God if you will or the supreme creator of all things possible.  It is just too big to ponder and we don't really need to.  The hints are all around us and if we do not see them,  we choose this. That is the true good and evil.  You are either for this planet or against it.  I am for the planet / the Universe / the solar system.  I am for loving the energy that makes it all happen.
 Love Mezza

Image by Mezza - A purple and Brave dawn in Urunga

For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'

 a quote by John Greenleaf Whittier

Looking backwards for a perspective is interesting.

Some times we venture off the hill to see other things...

When we do it has to be for a decent reason.

 

Yesterday I was asked to take some photographs for Channel 7 for the Sunrise Show.  An assignment I thought and I was immediately excited about the prospect of helping in some way.  I grabbed the camera and jumped in the car hurriedly.   I was excited to be doing this finally.

Taking photographs is something I have been doing forever it seems.  It is a long time ago now when I started this and its consistent as its never stopped. 

Taking Photographs started for me when I was about seven years old and I had my first 126 Kodak cartridge film camera.  I purchased this camera with coins I had saved from bottle collecting.  Why did I want to take photographs?  When I was little I wanted to be a photographer but Edith said awful things about photographers and she said such things  as "they wouldn't work in an iron lung".  I knew not to be one of these or I would never be loved.  That was bothersome because really I loved it so much.  No one else in my class had a camera at that time.  Why did I want one so bad.  I was torn between this feeling and the sense of responsibility that  I had to do or be something that someone would be happy with.  I had to do this  so that I was loved.

 I wanted to work in a shop just like Kay,.   I thought if I am like Kay then I will be loved.  I wasn't though.  I was treated with great contempt at as many opportunities possible instead.  Sometimes, when I was small I thought that I was surely going to just burst because I felt just so bad.  I felt very alone and I didn't feel any love the way the other kids did or talked about in their lives.

I woke up quite sad last night and these were some of the things that were bothering me.  This and my abandoned cat from when I was 7 years old.  I still cry.

 I must be grateful as I was fed and clothed and had a dry warm bed to sleep in.  Physical pain became something I was accustomed to well as I was dished up my serving of floggings for the day.  Three at least if not more each day.  It would leave marks and bruises and welts on my body for days and days.  I am sure that the kids these days would think they had had their throats cut... they would not deal with it. 

 I should not have had to deal with this either as a human being.  My kids seem to think it was acceptable cause I am old now.  They seem to think everyone was treated this way in my day!  No they were not.  Other children who were my peers were very well treated by their parents and I longed to be loved so much like they were.

I always felt so damn different though.  Like as if I wasn't part of this thing what ever the thing was. I felt separate and different.  Not better than them.  Oh no!  Totally to the contrary.  I felt very little in any importance compared to these other people who I knew and was in class with and went to church with.  I felt very very strange about it all and I had to keep this trussed up inside of me because there wasn't anyone to tell really.  No one cared.

Children were not respected very well when I was young.  The old saying goes only a mother could love it.  Well that is what they used to say about me like I was some kind of weirdo or something.  I should have been drowned at birth and that I was a child only a mother could love.  I had no mother so that meant I would be loved by no one.  Children think like this and considering most of the dark thoughts about myself were formed in my per-operational state when I was very very young it is no wonder its tough to change my thinking.  

Then to be shoved into an institution to live after this was all but too much and I tried to take my life when I was 13 years old.  I wanted to die.  I really didn't think I could feel any worse and I really didn't think I could handle it.  Well how wrong was I.  Life just went from bad to worse but we are not telling the life story here just the fact that taking photos was frowned upon and I funded the entire exercise myself with collecting used bottles for cash.  Even my own brothers and sisters abandoned me thinking I was spoiled .. oh my God, how wrong were they.

Image by Mezza - Antique wares at Urunga Antiques.. very beautiful

“I think we're seeing in working mothers a change from "Thank God it's Friday" to "Thank God it's Monday." If any working mother has not experienced that feeling, her children are not adolescent.” Ann Diehl

Garbage Morning

A STICK STUCK

 It was something and I wanted to know what the hell it was so I got all the way out there to look!  It was a stick.  A curly stick that someone had just stuck into the middle of the old rotting pier post. If I was tall enough I would have taken the curly stick out of the thing because it isn't supposed to be there.

What a lovely day today is already.  No tears and lots of clear thinking.  Today Montana comes again to stay with me.  Yay it is Monday at last. 

 I feel that she gets a lot of flack for hanging out at all with me.  I don't want to be Montana's friend .... so much as I want to be her mother and being a mother to her is important to me.  The other  two children  are jealous!   I would say this as this is how it was. 

I continue to say that Montana  restored my faith in humanity.  Which she did entirely .  Jesse was so active as a child and full on.  Matilda was hard core and throwing tantrums at every turn and then came Montana who wanted to read and sing and learn and love. 

It was a dream come true.  Guess the others prefer Johns company.  Montana always preferred my company.  She loved me so much.  Once,  once she loved me like no one else had ever loved me,  it was the sweetest thing I have ever known.  Sweeter than any sugar known to man.  Her love was the purest love there was and I could feel it.  I loved her love and we loved each other so much!  She would play word games with me and I called her " Little Bum"  and I have called her "Lamb Tart" and I have called her just "Tart" for short.  We had to stop that one as it was coming out in public places and people were looking quite strange at a mother who called her daughter 'Tart. 

These days its harder as now her sister won't allow her to even have a radio show with me with out interrupting her and asking her to leave!  She promised me and her listeners on air that she would stay the entire 2 hours next week.  She realizes what they are doing and they will be sad in the end because it is wrong!

Today and just for today I will be happy and I will enjoy this time we have together as time will not last forever and I know this now!  I want to enjoy Montana while I still have some time!

Image by Mezza - Stick in the Pier at Urunga NSW 2012

The quality of a friendship is based on many different values that are considered to be positive.

These values include sympathy and empathy; trust in one another, mutual understanding and compassion, and honesty.

Friends should be able to go to each other for emotional support, provide a give and take relationship on both ends, and be able to express their feelings and mistakes without judgment.

No Light

There's no way out of this, no light, no hope.
Put out the fire that burned so bright, no truth, no home.
My footprints in the sand are cleared with morning's tide.
For nothing will remain, all will subside.

But there must be something more.....

The darkest clouds will fall, all meaning laid to waste
They tell me there's no hope, no light to guide the way.
If these shells of skin and bone are all we have,
Then I refuse to stand and watch the fire die inside. 

 A Hope for Home (commonly abbreviated to AHFH) is a band based in Portland, Oregon that formed in 2006.  Kyle one of the founding members died of cancer in 2006 just after the band formed.

This is an example of love for a friend who has passed but who will never be forgotten.  A spokes person for the band said:

Our message is simple, Believe in Hope. No matter what you are going through in your life, there is always hope. Kyle battled cancer for 6 years of his life, and lived far longer than he was ever expected. He never stopped fighting, and didn't give into hopelessness. He lived a full life through it all, and used the pain and hardships that he was going through for a much higher purpose. Hopelessness can easily take over when we are in overwhelming circumstances and it takes real strength to overcome it. Kyle found hope through his faith in God and through the love from the people in his life. When it comes down to it, those are the things that can keep you going, no matter what life throws your way. So the best way you can support our message, is be somebody's hope, help them through whatever they are going through, just like Kyle did. Thank you. Much love & God bless, The Kyle Cooke Foundation.

 Image by Brice Brennan - Mary-Ellen and Cathy Correia at Perry's Hill returning from a road trip!

“Though outwardly a gloomy shroud, The inner half of every cloud Is bright and shining: I therefore turn my clouds about And always wear them inside out To show the lining.”

Ellen Thorneycroft Fowler

The day began bathed in brilliant sunshine...

(Mrs. A.L. Felkin) Quotes Source: Wisdom of Folly.

Today on the hill the weather is really perplexing. Not sure if it will be so hot or pour rain. Storms all around us each day.

I suspect it is a fine day if your in love. Valentines Day is good for that. I have this beautiful heart that was given to me at the beach. So I guess every day is valentines day for me. We look for these beautiful things in nature. When we find them I carry on as though I have found a diamond or something equally precious.

When things go wrong. Look for the opportunity in that moment to change something to fix it up again. If it is in your power to do so then do so. All crisis brings change. Change is not to be feared but to be welcomed as the changeable seasons and the changeable days.

We cannot have sunny days everyday and therefore the lesson in nature for us is that sometimes things are not so bright. Wait patiently as this will pass just like the clouds do. The sun will come out on your situation once more.

Know when you have a good thing. Know that your freedom of choice is a possession that is priceless.

Image by Mezza - Bricee's Heart rock at the Hungry head Beach NSW

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You can't sweep other people off their feet, if you can't be swept off your own. - Clarence Day

Montana with her Red Velvet cakes

On the hill today I was blessed to have Montana home to stay for 2 nights and she said that she will come and stay more often.  I need to see her at this time in her life and to give her the female wisdom that she needs in life.  The stuff of being a mum. 

I love my  daughter so much and I really have been so harassed by bad and unspeakable deeds of others.   I am the one in this relationship though that has to learn wisdom.  I need to Pray. 

O God and Heavenly Father,

Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the one from the other.  

Sometimes it would be good if I just said very little.  I need to just let time take the course that it has chosen.  I am grateful of my daughters company just for today.  Today I had a ball cooking Red Velvet patty cakes with her, I got to let her show me just how clever she really is.  She is a good girl.  Some of the stuff that is happening to her isn't fair to her or to me or to our relationship.

So for today we will accept what we can.  I can say thank you.  No one can take that away from me.
 
Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.
Doug Larson

Read more: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_wisdom6.html#ixzz1lOAV1lnE

Image by Mezza - Montana's Red Velvet Cup cakes Feb 2012

Show me the man you honor, and I will know what kind of man you are. - Thomas Carlyle

I honour this man.  Marshall B Mathers III.
Born in the same year as Gail.  Born in 1972 on the 17th October.  A Libran.  He is in love with the idea of being in love.  This is a man I honour.  The absolute greatest lyricist ever, a total genius.

So... what sort of person does this make me?  It makes me a person who loves .... A gangsta... a killer.. a violent person.. a mixed up human being ... good writer.. Blonde.. Rude... Full On..Outspoken and hated Blessed and very very rich.

Image - Marshall B Mathers  ( aka Eminem)